If You Ever Lose Me
by CrimsonFlowerz
Summary: When an angel dies, its wings scorch the earth, leaving a permanent mark where they had fallen. Even if there might be something in between them and the Earth; even if that thing is Dean Winchester. Destiel/Character Death/Drabble


**Warnings:** Character Death

* * *

Castiel stumbled backwards, clutching his side where he had been stabbed. Blood trickled down his trench coat, through his fingers, staining his skin and clothes crimson. His knees buckled, and someone caught him from behind, wrapping their arms tightly around his waist. His attacker gave him one last look, his silver blade clutched in his fist.

"Castiel, this was unavoidable…" the angel, Castiel's brother, said remorsefully.

"If you take another step I'll kill you!" A voice came from very close; it must've been the person who caught him. Castiel's body grew weaker, going a bit limp in the man's arms as he watched his brother, fear filling his gaze. The other angel paced for a half a second and then gave a stern look to the person gripping Castiel. Their grip became tighter, as if their life depended on it.

"He's not going to come back… and I'd put him somewhere that isn't in your arms if I were you…" he trailed off. There was the sound of a thousand soft feathers and suddenly, the man was gone. Cas looked weakly over his should, and sure enough, he came face-to-face with the green eyed hunter, Dean Winchester.

Dean caught a whine at the back of his throat before it could reach his lips. He moved Castiel in his arms so he was cradling him in his lap. The blood began to seep into Dean's jeans, but Dean didn't let go. One more ruined pair of jeans wasn't a big deal.

Not like Cas. Cas was a big deal.

Castiel looked up into Dean's eyes, moss green and beautiful, already beginning to water.

"You have to move me from your arms…" Castiel begged, knowing as soon as his wings touched Dean, they would give him a permanent and painful scar. He didn't want Dean to suffer; he had already had suffered enough for both their lifetimes.

"No, I'm not letting you die…" he whispered, his voice so broken Cas could hear it even then. Dean brushed a hand over Castiel's forehead, catching some longer hairs. Cas hadn't cut his hair in a while, too busy protecting his charge, too busy with the world to take care of Jimmy, his vessel.

"Dean, it's inevitable…" he muttered, almost too weak to speak any longer. His own eyes stung, but he hadn't a clue as to why. Was he… crying? It must've been his… vessel…

But the feeling cut deep, even into his Grace. The wound was something that couldn't be prepared. It couldn't be fixed. Cas was going to die, and Dean couldn't stop it. Death scared Cas, and even though he'd seen and spoke to the immortal being on occasion; he regarded the final day they would meet with apprehension. He didn't want to leave his charge alone… he didn't want to leave Dean.

Dean gripped his arm tightly as Cas tried desperately to push the hunter away.

"If you don't let me g-go…" Cas warned, but Dean shook his head and pulled the angel closer, up against his chest. He smoothed his fingers through Cas's hair and Cas leaned into his touch; his human need for contact heightening as his grace began to die. He felt them now, burning his cold cheeks. He knew now… why he had such a close relation with Dean; why he was attracted to his presence.

He was in love with him.

"Dean, promise me," Cas began, but fell silent as Dean squeezed his eyes shut. After a moment, Dean took a deep breath and opened his eyes again. He nodded sharply.

"Promise me you won't be irrational. Don't say yes to Michael…" Castiel said softly. "Don't abandon your brother… he's special, Dean. He has the power to save us, if you cannot."

Dean nodded through it all, but all he could think of was Castiel; plunging into purgatory and pulling his ass back out... This was his fault; it was his fault and he regretted it. He wished he was more helpful, but all he knew how to do was fail people. All he ever accomplished was letting his friends and family down.

Castiel's eyes were growing lighter, as if a light was about to blind him from the inside. Castiel, in a last attempt to leave Dean unscathed, shoved away from him; but Dean wouldn't budge. Cas's vision blurred as tears filled his eyes, combined with the light of his grace filling him. Dean shut his eyes tight and kissed Castiel's forehead.

"I love you," Dean whispered, and Cas froze. Pain pulsed through his entire being, but he couldn't think of anything but Dean's heat, his life… All he could think about was how alone he'd be in the end… how much he'd blame himself.

"Dean…" Castiel tried to strain, his grace threatening to consume him. "I-"

And then it happened. A blinding light broke from him. Dean held his tongue as searing pain seemed to burn through his skin, touching his very soul. Tears streamed down his face, but he didn't let Cas go; he wouldn't…

When it was over, his skin tingled and burned. Like the time he was caught near an explosion. Third degree burns were not fun. He looked down at himself and saw his shirt and jacket was burned all the way though; but then his eyes traveled to Castiel's lifeless body. Dean reached up and closed his eyes then, a broken sob escaping his lips. He looked at him like his anchor was broken. His sanity was cut. Cas had been everything, and now he was gone.

"I love you…" he whispered, burying his head in the crook of Castiel's neck; feeling his cool and limp body against his. "I love you, love you…" he echoed himself, praying to wake up from this nightmare, because Cas was gone… and he probably wasn't coming back.

Dean didn't stop crying, even when he clearly heard footsteps approaching him.

"Dean?" a voice called to him; Sam's voice. "Dean…"

Dean shook his head, as if he couldn't believe what just happened… that it had happened at all. He wanted Cas to open his… impossibly blue eyes. He wanted his angel to hug him, to try and protect him, and most of all, he wanted Cas to love him in return.

It wasn't his life that got in the way all this time. He'd been too busy to fall in love, so he simply fell in love on the job; and when he was thrown for a loop with Sam- he just couldn't go back to Lisa when his heart was already captured by the short angel with dark, messy hair and no sense of personal space.

But now he was gone… and Dean was lost yet again; and now it was permanent.

Later, Dean regrettably burns Castiel's body after they salt it down. Sam doesn't say a word out of courtesy. When they finally leave, Dean let's Sam look at his wounds. He takes his ruined jacket and shirt off and let Sam examine him.

"Whoa…" Sam muttered, staring at his chest. Dean looked down as well.

"Whoa," he echoed Sam and brought a hand up to touch one of the burns, but then winced when it stung really bad. The burns were bright red, similar to how the handprint on his shoulder had been; and ironically, they were shaped like wings.

Sam shook his head.

"He died… in your arms… and…" Sam trailed off, practically choking when he held back an unpleasant sound. Dean just stared at the burns, forming scars, with an empty look. He felt his heart sink when he realized he'd probably have them for the rest of his life. Every time he took his shirt off he would be reminded of Cas, and what the angel sacrificed for him… including the greatest sacrifice… his own life.

Dean pushed Sam's hands away when he tried to bandage him up.

"No," and that's all Dean had to say, because Sam knew… He needed to feel the pain; he needed to know it had been real.

And now, with Castiel's wings burned into his skin forever, he'll never be able to forget that pain.


End file.
